The Complex

To me, it makes complete sense. Apparently it implies many different things to different people.

I've never let a woman see me naked. Which means no girl has ever touched me intimately. Although I love doing it to them. My reasoning is this: if I'm hooking up with a girl it's because I'm attracted to her. And I'm attracted to her because I think she's hot. I don't see myself as hot at all. In fact I have major body image issues and think that I'm disgusting and gross naked.

When I sleep with men, I obviously let them see me naked and do whatever. That's because they have different equipment. It's apples and oranges. Plus with men, I guess I don't really care and it's not really a big deal because I prefer women to men.

With girls on the other hand, I'm crazy about them. Infatuated, in lust, in like, in love. We both also have the same equipment. I know that she'll compare me to herself. Just like I'm comparing her to me. So if I think she's hot and I think I'm hideous then I assume (well I'm absolutely convinced) that she'll feel the same when she's making the comparison. It's human nature to compare. Therefore, I'm scared that she'll think I'm disgusting and not like me anymore.

In the same vein, if I compare my body to hers, I'd also be comparing other things such as, you know, taste, smell, etc. Basically it's the same story over and over again. Until I love myself, I'll fear that others will hate the same things I do about myself and run away.

Solution? Love and accept myself the way I am or change what I don't like. I haven't been making much of an effort to change though. But yet I can't accept myself. So am I subconsciously trying to screw myself over?

The girl is trying to break down the complex though. I want her to, but I'm so afraid. I've never let anyone get as far as she did last night. Oh my god she's so hot. She makes me want to get a bank loan so I could get liposuction right now and let her do freaky things to me. Clearly, by mentioning liposuction, I know that weight is what I hate and can't accept.

I keep picturing how hot she looked naked and on top of me with her long hair falling over her face.

Focus! Alright so if the girl is going to go where no woman has gone before, she'll be the first. She'll be special. I always thought that when I do eventually let a woman do everything, she'll either be: (a) someone that I am convinced loves me unconditionally and would never leave me; someone that I believe would want to marry me, or (b) someone that is uglier than me because when the comparison happens, there will be no fear that she'll be grossed out because she'll be even more gross than I am.

The girl does not fall into either of these categories. She won't ever marry me because she's straight. She admits that it won't last with me. She just wants the moment. When it comes to other things I agree with her attitude. But if I let her... knowing that nothing will ever come of it, that she will never love me the way I love her or the way I want her to, then I'm just asking for it. It will already be hard enough to get over her as it is because I'm so in love with her. If I let her in, I don't know if I will be able to recover when it's all over.