After wasting away what could have been 5 hours of valuable studying time, instead of cracking the textbook open I'm sitting here wondering when I became so irresponsible.

Is it a futile exercise to try and think back to pinpoint what caused this change in me and when it occurred? Rather than ruminate on a blog I haven't used in almost 3 months I could be actively taking action by fixing the problem and opening that damn book.

Living is action. Focus is reality.

Yep. I've made a conscious decision to perpetuate the exact behaviour I've been trying to change. I used to be the girl with who got that bonus 1% added to her grade in school for having perfect attendance. I spent hours redrawing every little cell for biology diagrams. I wanted to give everything my best, my 100%. I got things done and I did them right. I wanted to do things right. Now I get things done last minute and half-assed. I'll know it's wrong but if it looks right I'll just leave it. What the hell happened?

I did have a lot of time on my hands back then. Thanks to my oppressive and strict parents, I didn't really hang out with friends aside from during school. Nah, trying hard because I was bored and had nothing else to do can't be it. I could have sat in front of the TV all day... no wait, oppressive and strict parents. Maybe that's it. When I was younger, they had so much more control over me and it was their discipline that was the behind my responsibility. But don't I have any principles? Didn't any of their values and morals seep into me through osmosis or something? They couldn't force me into trying my best. Threaten maybe. So I wanted to do it as well, to some extent.

Then I started to not care. I got into univeristy and Mom and Dad expected that I would employ some self-discipline. Well I did get my degree but I could have gotten an honours degree or something. I just wanted a pass and that was it. Was I incredibly happy when I did well beyond my expectations on the rare occasion? Sure. Self-validation is great. Did I really want to get a good mark deep down? Of course. Why would I put in minimal effort when I knew inside that I wanted to get the best payoff or performance out of things?

It could very logically be the self-handicapping I rant about relentlessly. My extreme fear of failure has led me to stop trying my best in order to avoid being shattered by the knowledge that I gave it my all but still couldn't measure up to my own or others' expectations. Shit, if I have nothing to lose then I'm not really living am I? This is hilarious. Here I am over-indulging myself in all things destructive and unhealthy. Throwing caution to the wind, saying "fuck the rules", and risking my job, my body, my relationships with others to 'enjoy life' and do whatever I want. Ooh it all seems so risque.

In reality I'm a scared little shit. I haven't put anything on the line. I'm AFRAID and that's what these last few years of self-sabotage have been about. Out of this fear of failure, I've led myself to believe that I won't be able to achieve anything (be it my career, relationships, whatever). I'm not good enough. Not I don't deserve it. Just the simple fact that I'm inadequate and therefore won't be successful in any endeavour. If I'm not going to get where I really want to be in life anyway, why should I care about anything? Might as well not take anything seriously and just be an all-around fuckup. It's all relative. Some may think that I have a lot going for me, and I'm sure I do, but to me I'm a fuckup. I could have more going for me.

Life is what you make it and I'm making it a downwards spiral into oblivion. At first I was going to place blame on the weed. It is a gateway drug after all. It also coincide with the time I started to slack and stop trying. I remember doing a psych paper and reading that weed affects the area in the brain that is responsible for self-control. Dammit, where did that paper go? Either way I doubt that weed can actually be the cause of this personality change.

I want to try. I want to be successful in general but I have to accept that failure paves the road to it.

Nike is brilliant.

JUST DO IT!!!!