Verbal diarrhea

I never LOVED kissing until J. Man, just got perma-smile thinking about it. Was she the first girl I kissed? I think she was.
Dammit MaryJane, why do you have to rob me of my memory at times like these?
Before, with T for example, I wanted to kiss for a long time only because I wanted to get Better at it and not because it
brought me such immense pleasure. Other times I didn't even want to kiss for hours and hours, I just knew they did and I was fulfilling
my obligation as a girlfriend. That's what couples do. They kiss.
But I never craved it. I never starved for someone's lips until S. I'm totally loving this trip down memory lane. It makes me so
happy, remembering kissing S. More more more. That's all I could think when we kissed. I remember one night we were in my car parked outside her house. Her curfew was at 1
or something and she kept breaking away saying that she really really had to go inside and she'd be getting into a lot of trouble but
it took almost an hour for her to get out of the car. Every time she pulled away and said she had to go all I knew was that my
lips missed hers. Badly. I'd pull her back in for just one more kiss. And the cycle of exquisite pleasure would continue.
Why then, do I continue to settle for less? Because it's been too long? Because I no longer look the same as I did back then? Because
it's better than nothing? Ahh my brain hurts from the contemplation.
That's it. I have to start. I must. There are only good reasons to do it and good outcomes resulting from it. And there would only
adverse effects on my well-being if I don't do it. Why is it that I completely understand this and acknowledge it but yet
I don't actually go out and do it? Living is action!
Why does the idea of someone being won over by the sincerity and dedication and love of someone else who's hopelessly in love with them
freak me out and turn me off? Hold on a minute there, overthink much?! God my brain repulses me sometimes.
Lies suck. That's why I admire brutally honest people so much. What kind of situations provoke lies in me?
- I've done something (intentionally or not) that will hurt someone's feelings so I lie because I don't want them to know
- I'm embarrassed. I think the other person will judge me (think I'm stupid, uncool, etc.) so I lie to FIT IN and be ACCEPTED
But lying sucks. Sucks is obviously a huge understatement. As my friend pointed out, if you're lying to someone to not hurt them, it means you've already hurt them to begin with
and lying will just make the situation worse and hurt them more. It was so profound when he told me that. If you're lying to spare
someone pain, you must have done something wrong in the first place. As for lying to fit in, what's the point? If you do get accepted,
it's not for who you really are and every day will be a constant effort at being someone you're not.
Since I totally understand that lies just bring unnecessary grief, then why do I continue to do it? Once you tell lies, it's hard to stop.
That whole telling a second lie to cover the first and another to cover the second. It festers. Dishonesty. What's the solution? Come
clean with everyone of course. That's much easier said than done. After lying about something (a lot of the issues are trivial too) for a really
long time, it's so hard to tell someone that you've been lying to them for all that time. It's cowardly, not coming clean. More importantly,
it will perpetuate the lies.
I've got all these projects. Don't lie anymore. Undergo a change in lifestyle from exercising to eating healthy to quitting smoking and
drugs.