Running

It has come to my attention that I "like everything that walks". I however, feel that I may find everyone attractive due to my philosophy of everyone is beautiful, sometimes it just takes time to discover it. That does not mean that I have to like everyone.

In my now-involuntary process of over-thinking, I have come to the conclusion that sure, lots of people are attractive but I only like like the pretty ones. Yup. I am totally superficial. I'll probably make out with you or even do more even if I don't think you're pretty. But I only get crazy on the pretty ones. It's really sad, isn't it?

Examining my behaviour, I realized that I am only infatuated with (1) pretty people - men and women that is, and (2) people that I can't have; this may overlap with the superpretty category, but it's more like I think they're not physically attractive and I don't understand why they don't want me because they should. Aaaahhh. I am such a total bitch and I don't care. I mean, I should care that I'm so shallow and I know that it's seen by many as immature and much worse, but this is what's going on with me at the moment and I'm just gonna go with the flow.

Now what inspired this re-hashing of my superficiality? I am so... enamoured? Naw... taken by? No... infatuated with A. I saw her again on Friday. I know it's gonna go nowhere - it wasn't supposed to go anywhere anyway. I know I want more. But she's just SO PRETTY. I felt like I owed it to myself or something. Like, if some really good looking girl who's totally out of my league wants to make out with ME then I can't let this rare opportunity pass. It would be a great disservice to me and all average-looking people out there. I feel like the chosen one, so special, so lucky that she picked me.

Of course the world comes crashing down when I realize that she's me. She's me two years ago. She just wants to have a good time. She's not looking for anything. I completely understand her position. I was there. So that's the first reason that things aren't going to work out with her. I'm past that stage. I mean, I wanna have fun too. But I want more. I want a relationship. But then again, how can I be ready for a relationship if I'm all about looks? Maybe what I want is for her to want me? For her to want what I want too?

Seeing her again, I got to see another side of her. Well I got to see another side of her that I wasn't really exposed to. My mental picture of her was this beautiful girl who was smart, funny, and sweet. Us in her 'bed' just talking. Then on Friday night, I saw the girl who ditched her date to go home with me. Well, it was more like seeing a girl who would do what she can to facilitate her goals. For example, she didn't wanna pay cover at one place and at another she didn't want to wait in line so she'd flirt with and hug the bouncers to try and get her way. She knows she's a pretty girl so she's making use of her assets to get what she wants. I used to do that too. Actually, I still do that but I don't think I'd let some dude feel me up so I don't have to pay a $20 cover because I don't have any flow and I need to get in club. Or would I? I don't know. Or maybe she's only like that when she's drunk. I know I am. So maybe that morning was who she is most of the time.

God did I love kissing her. It was sooooooooooooooo good. Mmmmm... I get this shit-eating grin just thinking about it. I've never initiated anything intimate with her ever because I wasn't sure if she wanted it. If she really liked me. That's why the ball is always in her court. I loved the way she wiped the raindrops from my face. It was so tender, I guess. I don't know, I just really want her to be happy. The last message she left on my cell phone sounded kind of well, I don't know, just not happy. I'll be whatever she wants me to be. She just wants to have a good time. I can do that. I can try and make sure she has a good time. I am such a sap. This is pathetic.

I've been advised to diversify my portfolio because at the end of the day me and her just want different things. It will never work and even if we do hook up it wouldn't last. And I know she doesn't really like me. She doesn't like me anywhere near how much I like her. But for some reason it's hard for me to keep my options open because when I like someone I only like that person. I am completely focused on that one person.