what do you do if you can't trust yourself?

I honestly have no idea. Intuitively, it seems that this stems from a lack of self-discipline. I just get this feeling that there may be more to it. I'm sure that's my way of getting out of being irresponsible. I really don't have anything to blame but me.

Not knowing what I want. I should -no- I'm going to -no- I hope I can figure out what I want before getting myself into more of this mess. Or maybe there's nothing wrong with not knowing what I want but I'm just going about it the wrong way to find out. Not the wrong way... maybe the harder and more complicated way. I've created this, this labyrinth of self-absorption and it's going to ruin things. I am. I'm prioritizing the 'wrong' things. I care about the 'wrong' things. Maybe not wrong, but definitely insignificant. It's the root of all the self-loathing, self-scrutiny, heightened self-awareness. Self, self, self. Jesus, do I ever stop?

But didn't I just have a 'me me me me me' post a few days earlier? So unstable. I don't want all this.. anger inside me. I am positive it stems from fear. All the anger and hate and whatever else. It's all from fear. All insecurities. This reminds me of Donnie Darko. When he had to do that excercise where he locates on the fear-love continuum a point that expresses what motivated certain behaviour of someone. He said it was ridiculous because there is a whole spectrum of emotions that should be accounted for outside of fear and love. I agreed at the time. Now I'm not so sure.

I hate myself. I know why. Most of the reasons why, I guess. But I'm not changing. Is it this self-hatred that manifests itself as anger or hate for things outside of myself? And this self-hatred comes from.. fear..I think. I'm pretty sure. Or is it the discrepancy between reality and my expectations? But I have control over my own reality, to a certain degree. I also have some control over my expectations. I mean, culture and society affect both though. So which is it, change expectations or change reality?

Maybe it's stop sitting here thinking about it and go out and do something.