diary

So I was feeling great yesterday, Even though I found out I didn't get the job I applied for. Was I feeling good because I skipped class? Economic history is always a downer. I attributed it to the fact that I knowing for sure that I got rejected was better than the excruciating uncertainty of being in limbo. My friend suggested that I was impatient, because everything takes time. Instant gratification is only to satisfy the id. Another friend suggests that I am only comprised of the id. Not true. I act on impulses and desires of the id but the superego is very much present. The ego? Not so much. It's been trampled on and is very very weak and undeveloped, non-existent maybe.

I also didn't accomplish anything yesterday. Maybe that's why I was in such a great mood. And I pacified my anxieties with weed. Of course. Because if I actually allowed myself to consciously think about what needs to be done, I'd feel stressed out. And what's wrong with feeling the pressure? That's life, it's not always smooth sailing. Not me though. Avoidance has always been my thing. Don't like the situation? Run away. I never try and change the situation. I never take on the challenge and work through it. I just avoid the problem as long as I can. Here's what happens. I'm just satisfying the id up until the point where the superego comes in.

Let's see... I'm gonna start giving myself some pressure now and see what I'll do to handle the situation. I have two assignments, one presentation, and a quiz next week. And the following week I have a project due, a quiz, and two papers that both have to be around 20 pages

Now I'm gonna do a breakdown of work so I know how much is done, what's left to do, and hopefully make my very first homework schedule, whether or not I follow it is another story of course. I love how I'm graduating in two months and this is when I'm starting the homework schedule.
- This Wednesday(today): 80% done the presentation for next week
- This Thursday: 90% done tax assignment
- This Friday: 50% done audit assignment
- Progress on the psych paper, eco paper and audit project: 0%

Plan for The Weekend:
- Saturday: (1) start reading the material that will be used for the eco paper (2) do research for audit project (3) do research for audit assignment due upcoming Thursday
- Sunday: (1) research articles for psych paper (2) analyze articles read for eco paper and do more research if necessary (3) finish up audit assignment

Given my track record, I'll be happy if I get one of the items on the list done. My plan for the upcoming week will be to first make sure that everything due that week is done. Hopefully it would be done by the weekend, but I know myself. The rest of the week and the weekend will involve researching and writing the psych paper, writing up the eco paper and finally, doing the audit project. And I still have a few days during the week that the things are due to finish up.

You see, when things are planned out clearly like this, it seems less daunting. Whether or not I stick to the plan is another story. That's the issue. I already know what my "problems" are. But I'm not making an effort to correct them. Is it because I'm satisfied with the way things are? Deep down I know that it's maladaptive behaviour. So why do I continue if so many areas of my life are adversely affected? Is it because I'm lazy? Someone once told me that laziness is the worst disease.

In Fried Green Tomatoes, Evelyn said that Mrs. Threadgood held up a (metaphorical) mirror to her and she didn't like what she saw. So Evelyn changed because she wasn't satisfied with her 'reflection'. Here I am, obviously not satisfied by my reflection, and yet I haven't made any changes. I've attempted and failed. I've talked about it a whole lot. You know what, fuck talking. Talk is cheap, as Sam would say. Living is action. See all these cliches I'm throwing out? And yet I'm still stagnant.

Man, this post was supposed to be about why I was in such a good mood yesterday. Nick. He definitely contributed.