What IS Sex?

I recently had a discussion with a friend about what constitutes sex. Penetration or 'intercourse' (why does that word crack me up?) is usually equated with sex. Of course, that makes total sense. But I argued that if there's an orgasm involved, then it's also sex. Because we all know that there's a lot of 'sex' or 'intercourse' that doesn't end in orgasm. On the other hand, I wouldn't consider myself to be having sex on a regular basis if I was only masturbating, and we all know that ends in orgasm.

However, my friend so kindly pointed out that if let's say, I gave my boyfriend a blow job, I wouldn't say "I had sex with my boyfriend." I'd say "I gave my boyfriend head." Assuming that he came, this would totally thwart my 'orgasm = sex' argument. I mean it's oral sex, but that's still not sex. Or is it?

Why does this matter? I'm not really sure it does, except that for a fleeting moment, I was questioning whether or not two girls can have sex. I always referred to going down on a girl or fingering her as sex. And I still insist that it is. That's one of the ways we physically show each other how much we love one another. (Ok fine, I was romanticizing it. It's how we show each other how hot we are for each other). I was challenged by my (straight) friend though. She argued that if I went down on a guy or gave him a hand job, I wouldn't consider it sex. And she's right, I wouldn't. So why would I consider it sex with a girl? Is it because of the fact that we can't naturally have intercourse? Would that make fingerfucking and muff diving are our principal and sexual activities and hence be labelled as sex?

Ahhh.. and we've encountered a special word. Label. I know a lot of people who really hate labels. I feel the same way a lot of times because labels can pose unnecessary contraints and force us into thinking that there's no other option. However, labels are inherently part of our society because everything is based on language. Without language, we may not even have our human identity. Ok, I'm rambling and not making any sense. Plus, I've totally went off on a tangent.

No no wait, I haven't. That's it. Labels. I don't give two shits if other people don't call it sex because it's sex to me and that's all that matters.

For some reason, I still want to read up on this though. The conventional definition of sex may involve intercourse with male and female genitalia, but what about a non-heterosexual definition? I don't like being..all defensive with my straight friends when it comes to this topic. Their arguments are indeed valid, but maybe I can find out some more information so that I can have strong rebuttals. Man, I'm such a nerd!