The First Post - Indecision

My friend recently told me that she viewed blogging as a way to understand herself better by putting down her thoughts. I mean, this isn't a newsflash for me. Writing is therapeutic and organizing my thoughts will presumably prove helpful to my own personal development.

It's not like I never had a diary or a journal. I had those little diaries with the teeny tiny (useless) locks on them. You know, the ones where the pages fall off one by one right after you write in them and turn the page.

Those didn't last me beyond middle school.. mainly because paranoia started setting in. First I was worried that someone would find out that I liked girls. I guess I hadn't come to terms with my (bi)sexuality yet. Wait, I still don't think I'm sure. But who cares? Does it really matter? Then later on I was just scared that my mom would read my diary and realize her daughter did drugs.

Now that the drug phase is over and I'm comfortable with my fluid sexuality, I guess I don't have anything to worry about. I miss reading diary entries from a Long time ago and laughing at myself or discovering things that I've forgotten. I think my main reason for starting this blog though, is that I'm just at this stage in my life where I still don't know what I want. Sometimes it's ok to not know what you want. Sometimes it has an adverse affect on other people and it's not ok to be clueless. For some reason I feel pressured to know what I want because I'm graduating university in 2 months. Maybe it's all these people that keep asking me about my 'plans'. I perceive this as the beginning to the next stage in my life and yet I don't feel equipped for it.

What do I wanna do after I graduate? What kind of job am I gonna get? Should I even get a job right away or take some time off? I don't hate accounting but I'm not passionate about it either. I know I'm getting a degree in commerce for practical reasons. Then there's the question of doing something you're good at or doing something you love. The problem is, I wouldn't consider myself to be good at accounting (relative to the ppl in my classes) but at the same time, I haven't found what I loooove to do - that I can actually make a living from.

Sometimes I'm all "I wanna get away from the corporate fascists that only think of the bottom line". There's more to life than money. I wanna do something meaningful. But I also don't want to be starving and homeless. However, another obstacle arises. What do I find meaningful in life? What's the meaning of life?

This quest to understand myself, which can also be interpreted as me thinking waaaaay too much and trapping myself in an existential crisis, has led me to blogger.com. Here I am finishing up my first post. Hey, I'm not expecting blogging to give me some kind of epiphany. I'm just hoping that all my venting will eventually result in the attainment of a more stable sense of self.