By-products of Insomnia

It's really hard for me to fall asleep without smoking any weed. I mean, the 'goodnight smoke' has been a habit of mine for 5 years straight. Now that I'm in transition, I do a lot of random things when I can't sleep. I created my first public profile around 2AM last night/this morning. I'm using the picture posted below in the profile. I need more pictures. Too bad I hate taking them.

When I read Douglas Coupland's Generation X, there were many quotes that stood out and resonated with me. Of course, that was his intention. One of them was 'thinking about the future means you want something'. Back to the existential crisis. I must want SOMETHING. I wanna be happy. I wanna fall in love. I wanna be rich. I wanna look gorgeous... this could take a long time. These things are too vague. I have no clue as to what I specifically want. Is that bad? Not really knowing what you want, in a concrete sense?

Sometimes I'm not even sure I know who I am, so how can I know what I want? I mean, I know what kinds of foods I like to eat and what I don't like. But for a lot of other things, I feel like I can't think for myself. Like my opinions about certain things aren't really my own. And I don't know what my position is. Do I even have one? I'm sure I must but perhaps it's been stifled by the overpowering media? Then I guess my 'position' would be a media-blamer. Hmmm... I think I'm thinking too much again.

Fucking can't STAND spyware or adware of whatever the fuck is slowing down my computer right now. Jesus. So fucking annoying. I gotta say, the f-word is my all-time favourite obscenity. My mother is always telling me not to swear and that there's no point to it cos it won't change anything. But you know what, yeah it doesn't change anything but if feels GOOD when you say it sometimes. All in moderation though. I guess it does lose it's affect if it's thrown around all the time.

It's a trade-off though. If I want my episodes of South Park and the L word then I gotta corrupt my computer via file-sharing programs. Such is life.