boys or girls?

I can't say it was inevitable, but I can't say that it was a surprise either. What I couldn't believe though, was how we managed to not use protection. However, that's not what's troubling me at the moment. Actually, I'm not even sure if I'm troubled. I'm a bit unsettled. Maybe because of the bong hits and wine earlier, I don't seem to really give a shit as well.

I was a bit inebriated, but I thought he had already put on the condom. Ok fine. I can be honest here. I've made myself anonymous and honestly, no one gives a crap about my trivial issues anyway. I knew he didn't have a condom on. I didn't even know that he came. Well, afterwards I gathered that he was done. But before it happened, I was under the impression that he was gonna keep going and going until he felt like he was gonna come and then he'd stop and put on a condom. He had one right on the bed and the wrapper was opened already and everything. So I was waiting for him to pull out and put a rubber on before he finished. There I was, thinking that he was just taking a break.

Anyways, that's not even the umm issue. The thing is. I love girls. I'm crazy about them. But I like guys too. I find men attractive. And some men I find so attractive that I'd get physical with them. But I get bored after it happens once or even before I sleep with them. Sometimes I think that I only sleep with men because (1) I think they're good looking (2) I'm horny, and it is always magnified by alcohol or drugs (3) I don't have a girl to do that with (4) I'm flattered by the attention from such an attractive fellow.

Normally, I wouldn't think about it after I sleep with a guy. It's something that just happened and I move on to something else quickly. It was enjoyable. I know my motivations for acting rather incongruent to my beliefs.

This time it's different. I have a history with this guy. At one point, I really really liked him. He even gave me perma-smile. But I was never... addicted to him. It wasn't crazy and uncontrollable. It wasn't irresistible. I wasn't in love with him. I thought about a future with him because I know that passion and lust and attraction may not last forever. He's a great guy and I really do enjoy spending time with him and being with him. I even find him very attractive. And that's why it's killing me. Everything's great - the sex, the conversation, everything. But I'm not crazy about him.

It's like, I could give him a 10 out of 10. But a girl would get like an 100 out of 10, relatively speaking. If I didn't know that there was more out there, then yeah, I could totally settle. I wouldn't even call it settling. But I know that there's more. I've had that intensity. The thing is, I don't know if that intensity will last forever. What I do know is that he loves me unconditionally and he cares about me and it may even be possible that he'll love me forever. I can be happy with him.

Who's to say I can't find unconditional long-lasting love with a woman? I'm only 22. Why am I scared that he will be as good as it gets? Everything involves risk. I'm only considering a relationship with the ex out of fear. Fear that I won't find something more. Fear that even if I do find that something more, it won't last. Fear that not knowing what I want in general right now will cause me to regret not being with him. Fear should not be my motivation to be with someone. I want to choose to be with someone out of love. Because I can't not be with them.

Whoo. Then I guess it's settled. Out with the ex and in with the lez...